Work today in 2 hours. I usually dread going to work and performing my proper slave duties, however, today the anxiety is (mostly) subsided. The reason being I have drugs to facillitate the process. Drugs are bad, kids.
I shall try to avoid food at work, as per usual. It's exceedingly more difficult when you working in fucking KITCHEN. My boss is constantly trying to feed me. Says I'm a twig. I try to hold back laughter when he makes comments like these, as he so often does. I'm a fucking whale. Every part of my body is growing exponentially. I've gained weight and apparently I'm not stopping anytime soon. I've been getting into a destructive routine lately. Wherein I successfully avoid food all day long, come home completely void of hunger, somehow decide it's wise to smoke a bowl to relax me and help me sleep, and end up eating the entire contents of my pantry.
:(
I need to snap the hell out of it.
Especially because tomorrow I will have no opportunity to starve myself. It's Boy's little cousin's birthday. He could be turning anywhere from 4 to 8, I don't really know. They all look the same to me. Kids, that is. Small and whiney. We will be going for a day-long trip to a lake to spend the day fishing and barbequing. Little cousin has taken a liking to me, as most young boys do. Yeah, yeah it's cute and all, but it poses quite a few problems:
- I have to watch my mouth. I curse like a sailor, but I never realize how much I curse until I'm put in a situation where I can't.
- I can never get away for more than 2 seconds before he starts screaming for me. Which consequently means I can't get away for my hourly dose of nicotine. I wouldn't dare smoke in front of Little Cousin. Family knows I smoke and of course despises it. Normally I wouldn't give two fucks, but in situations like these, they have the perfect opportunity to use Little Cousin as a tiny human guilt trip. (Giving me side-eyes while I'm sneaking a drag and he's whining in the distance)
- I HATE KIDS. I don't care if this makes me a bad person. I love Boy's Little Cousin, and treat him like my own.. but after 2 hours I start scanning the room for his parents to get him away from me before my brain goes into overdrive. I just cannot handle that much stimuli, let alone try to be littlemissnicealmostauntie. I have little patience and an even shorter temper. I can only play caretaker for so long before I start throwing out sarcastic insults to Little Cousin, knowing he doesn't understand a word I'm saying. Okay, maybe I'm a bad person. Add it to the list.
"You're too thin. Eat something" To which I'm thinking: Fuck you. I just ate your goddamn burger.
"How's work?" To which I'm thinking: It makes me want to kill myself.
"How's school?" To which I'm thinking: It makes me want to kill myself in a calculated manner.
and my favorite:
"Sooooo, any kids in the future? *wink*" To which I'm thinking. I fucking hate kids. Read above.
Like Jesus H. Christ, I'm twenty fucking years old. Boy is 21. Why in the hell would kids even cross our mind? And honestly, they're better off. I'm doing a grand favor to them by not passing on my defective genetics to another generation. Let alone my deep seeded daddy/mommy issues. I need to stop before I start spiraling. Kid talk does that to me.
On the romantic front, (if you could even call it that) L is being distant as I've come accostomed to, and Boy is oblivious as ever. Not much to report, other than the overwhelming urge to take a knife to my chest, rip my heart out and thus avoid this nonesense altogether. I don't have a sharp enough knife, so I'll just push that urge to the side.
Sigh.
Welp, my head is tired. Time for my 8th cup of coffee. (And no, I'm not exaggerating) Possibly a few lines. Shhhh. Drugs are bad, kids.
Hopefully I don't eat myself into a stupor tonight, especially since I have to be in a bikini all day tomorrow. gag.
Satansvomit.
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