Not having my phone is driving me up the wall.
It's not the lack of communication that agitates me;it's the lack of internet connection. Boy doesn't have a break on Saturdays,therefore I'm home all alone with absolutely nothing to keep me occupied. Which,in turn,almost always leads to me binging. This totally defeats the purpose of being home alone where I have the oppurtunity to starve without watchful eyes around. Today I'm trying my best to keep entertained and away from the kitchen.
If you're wondering,I'm typing all of these posts on wordpad and plan to post them once I get internet. I don't know. It's a form of distraction-I'll take it.
In other news,I can feel my hipbones beginning to portrude out again,a familiar comfort I've missed. I feel so guilty when I look into Boy's eyes and tell him I'm not hungry. I know he senses something is wrong and I cannot will myself to tell him the truth. That guilt is what lead me to this repulsive state I'm currently in. I'm not happy like this and Boy can tell. I think that's why he doesn't say a word when he can hear my stomach practically scream out and beg for nourishment. He wants me happy with myself and it kills me knowing more than likely I'll never reach that point.
What I find odd is that Boy fell in love with me when I was severly emcumbered by my eating disorder,standing faintly at 97 pounds. I admit it made it easier to devote myself to my anorexia once he moved away,although we were still together. A few months before I moved up with him I was having palpitations so badly that I was secretly terrified to step foot on the plane,genuinely unsure if I'd ever make it off. I'd read horror stories about anorexia patients and air travel. I was fainting regularly and barely stepped on the scale. The last time I stepped on I was shocked to see 84 pop up. I'd never been that thin. I didn't feel that thin. I didn't believe I was that thin. Though,the horror in my family and friends' eyes assured me that the scale was displaying the truth. I smiled a sick smile.
Now,four months later I've blown up exponentially. I know where the fault lies. A combination of things really. I won't go into it,but long story short I wound up 20+ pounds heavier and don't feel a bit less guilty than before. Conclusion? Eating like a fucking whale won't ease my concern about letting others down,rather,it almost always ends up in my own disappointment. Time to remedy that.
It's about midway through the day now and not a morsel of food has passed my lips. I did have about 60 calories total due to coffee creamer. I know,a waste. However,I let myself have this one treat because when the holiday flavors come out I'm instantly drawn to them and cannot resist. I'm trying to plan out how I'll spend the duration of the day. I'll probably make an attempt to clean later then probably cap it off with some tea and a cigarette. This lack of internet is leading to dangerous thoughts. Not really but I'm fucking bored. Alright I'm tired of reading my own words so I'll end it here. I hope everyone has a great weekend and remembers to smile.
Satansvomit.
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